30 Things I Have Learned About Therapy for My 30th Birthday
In December, I turned 30 and I spent some time reflecting on what I have learned about being a therapist in my career so far. There’s so much more for me to learn, but here is part 1 of a 3-part series on notable concepts or ideas I have gathered in the past several years.
PART 1
Finding a therapist is ultimately kind of a vibe check. The relationship is the source of healing, so the relationship has to work. People aren’t super interested in sharing about the hardest things or their darkest secrets unless they feel a level of rapport and even friendliness.
The first session can be awkward when I ask a million questions in our intake form to someone who is virtually a stranger. But the second session can be even more overwhelming. Where do we go now? We have so many options…we’ve discussed so much about your life, and we can go in any direction we want!
I have to make room for people to disagree with me or call me out early on. This facilitates safety and trust! I’m not saying I’m intentionally making mistakes or saying the wrong thing, but having moments when someone can say, “No, I don’t think that’s right,” helps us build trust and affirms client autonomy in sessions.
I am too neurodivergent to be able to fake it…I show up exactly as I am, and I want others to do so too. No shade to my more formal and clinical therapist peers, that’s just not me, and I really don’t know how to be that way.
There is often no “right thing” to say. This is something I learned in friendship and in my professional life. Sometimes the right thing to do is to just silently bear witness, sit in the quiet together, cry together, and/or feel the weight of what was just said.
Trust and care are ultimate. I can’t say hard things unless I have earned your trust. Clients may not be able to receive the validation I offer until I earn their trust. This demands that I show up authentically and thoughtfully so that people can hear me when I express care and or challenge them.
I love being wrong! Correct me! Disagree with me! Tell me I am way off base and not making sense at all! That tells me someone feels safe enough to push back and knows themselves well enough to redirect the conversation.
Pacing is very important…and I’m still learning this skill. Sometimes I have a thought in a session early on, and I gotta hold onto that thought until session 5 or 15 or 50 because it’s not quite the right time yet. This one is really hard for me!
Half of what makes me good at my job is that I am curious and kinda nosy. I want to understand you and learn about you. I want to know how you make sense of the world. I want to be a little worm inside your brain!
The other half of what makes me good at my job is that I care about people and, as much as I hate to admit it sometimes, I seem to have an unshakeable faith in humanity. I just believe that people are all we have, and that we have to keep trying for each other's sake.
Some of these ideas may seem a bit simple or obvious, but they are foundational principles that I did not necessarily learn in school or that are hard to learn through book-learning. Most of these concepts I learned through experience and by making mistakes. I’m forever grateful to each and every person who has trusted me with their story. Thanks for reading part one of this long list. Stay tuned for part two next month!