A Therapist's Experience Navigating A Trauma Anniversary

Traumaversary [traw-muh-vur-suh-ree]
noun
an anniversary of a traumatic event or difficult time from one's past.

A really rough breakup, the death of a loved furry friend, the day you suddenly lost your job, the day you got assaulted. Traumaversaries can involve heightened anxiety, feelings of numbness, lots of tears, or other challenging emotional states. I wanted to share what I do to take a little extra care of myself around my own traumaversaries. 

So first thing’s first, this is not a how-to guide. 

I won't pretend that I have all the answers. In fact, last month, I had my own traumaversary that I was wholly unprepared for and had to go through the uncomfortable feelings in the moment. I added an event in my phone calendar from 7-10pm called "be sad" and made it through the day.

I wanted to share my experiences in attempting to brace myself ahead of traumaversaries because we sometimes underestimate the impact these dates can have. Here are some of my strategies I rely on every year.

The main strategy that has worked for me is having a plan. That plan can be specific with an agenda that involves people and locations. Other times, the agenda is simply to bed rot. I have planned out days where I eat at certain restaurants and walk specific nature paths to honour a deceased friend. On the bed rotting days, I watch movies or a TV show that relates to the traumaversary. I don't plan the same things every year because I don't need the same things every year. The first and fifth traumaversary may have very different needs.

On the day of my traumaversary, the most challenging and important practice for me is riding the wave of emotions. If I am not working or doing another task that requires most of my energy, I try to let whatever feelings come up and not fight them. I aim to set aside a couple hours during the day when I am not working or running errands to feel whatever is there. Maybe nothing comes up - and that's okay, I'm still glad I gave myself the space.

Lastly, one of my favourite traumaversary rituals is expressing gratitude. During the traumatic or difficult event, I reflect on who provided me with any type of support that helped me cope. I try to send them a text or voice memo thanking them for helping me feel less alone, more powerful, keeping me company, showing me love, etc. The growing body of research about the power of relational experiences in trauma recovery reminds me to stay connected to people, especially when I am feeling most ashamed and alone. 

Trying to avoid feelings is like trying to push a beach ball under water. No matter how hard you try to keep them suppressed, they’re gonna come back up and hit you in the face. It can be easier to allow the beach ball to peacefully float along the surface with you.