No. Just no. No need for explanations or alternatives. Let them misunderstand. Let them speculate. Let them judge. You don’t always have to explain yourself. No matter how uncomfortable you feel.

I write this like I’ve somehow mastered it, but the truth is that I’m the worst at it. Ever preoccupied with the feelings of other people, the need to cater is a constant unwelcome companion. I’m literally second-guessing myself as I write this. People pleasing is a difficult one to overcome. The thing is, most of my life, my saying yes to people has meant saying no to myself or no to something that’s important to me. And then I’m stuck with resentment and regret. So I’m learning to be better and prioritize my needs.

I don’t have an unlimited supply of energy and resources. I can’t say yes to everything without compromising my sense of personal worth and the integrity of my own soul. Shame is such a powerful physiological response. Shame? Wow, Benita, was that really necessary? Yes. Shame is essentially the fear of disconnection or rejection. I’m afraid that if I say no, then they may end up hating me, I might lose that group of friends, I’ll disappoint that person, I might not get invited to that thing again, I’ll miss out on something amazing, or worst of all, I’ll be a loser, a loner, and a misfit forever.

Sounds pretty silly when we say it out loud right?

But these thoughts can really warp and damage your internal world. And that’s why it’s important to get them out. As uncomfortable as it may feel, allow yourself to say no when you need to and allow yourself to be OK with it.

You’re OK, darling. And more than that—you’re worth it.

Grace and peace, beloveds.